Twisted Straight - Sony Executives to Replace Rootkits

Having finally agreed to recall over 50 CDs that installed spyware on consumer's computers in order to prevent copying of the CDs, Sony executives announced today that they are nevertheless committed to digital rights management. "We may pay out billions in lawsuits over this attempt to protect our intellectual property, and may suffer boycotts from irate consumers whose computers we have compromised," said one Sony executive, "but we will not give up on our efforts to control how our customers use our product."
Sony immediately announced a new policy in which a Sony corporation executive will ship with each CD. "Our executives will come home with you from the music store and will stay in your home, watching exactly how you use our CD," said a Sony spokesman. "They will watch to make sure you do not make illegal copies of your CDs, and will count how many times you download them to an MP3 player - then will follow you around to make sure you don't share them with anyone else."

Humanoid robots who will not be deployed in consumer households to protect Sony's copyrights - according to Sony.

Sony began advertising immediately for the millions of new executives needed to implement the plan. Details, such as who is responsible for feeding the executives and where they will sleep have yet to be worked out. "Each CD will come with an EULA (Executive User License Agreement) that will lay out the obligations of the consumer in terms of care and feeding of their executive and which will be legally binding," explained a member of Sony's legal department.
Privacy experts expressed concerns about the ramifications of having record company executives living with consumers, suggesting that the executives might go beyond just watching CD use and might start watching use of Sony TV's, Tivos and even watching the consumers themselves.

Consumer response to the initiative was mixed. While most objected to the idea of Sony executives being bundled with CDs, a number of consumers expressed a willingness to try the new approach as long as they were allowed to specify and approve the age, gender and appearance of the executive that they received. Google quickly announced a new online service gsony to help match up singles and families with their ideal Sony executives.

Sony has officially denied rumors that the new executive DRM scheme will be replaced soon with deployment of humanoid robots who will continuously monitor every use of Sony's copyrighted material in each home.

Commentary:

We've been watching the record industry shoot themselves in the foot by treating their customers like criminals for a few years now, but the incident with the Sony rootkit is just too cool for words. With any luck, between the losses on the recall and the lawsuits, Sony will loose enough money on this incident to finally understand that the only way to end piracy is to make every song ever published available for download at about 10 cents each. Making legitimate downloads cheaper and more convenient than piracy is the only solution that will work and regain the support of consumers.