Twisted Straight - Jesus Nominated to High Court

Having knuckled under to demands from the right to nominate a conservative associate Justice, Bush earlier this week nominated Jesus himself to be the next Associate Justice of the United States Supreme court. Expecting a quick confirmation from all but the Godless Democrats, the administration was roiled by the appearance of sudden resistance on the part of the right wing of the Republican Party.

Problems first appeared immediately after the nomination, when conservative senators rejected his questionnaire."I want a clear expression of Jesus's views on subjects that are important to Christians, and all I got was a short page written entirely in Aramaic," said Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma.


	"Honestly, I thought I'd be confirmed in a heart-beat", said Jesus, "but the days when the court was about justice and protecting the rights of all seem to have gone. Now it's all about political agendas."

A Petition from the Organization of Red Haired Republicans for Christ bombarded the Judiciary committee with protest letters after reading more into past writings attributed to Jesus. Pointing out John 14:23 If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him a representative of the organization said "I'm not saying he's gay, but we don't want a Supreme Court Justice who might condone gay marriage or any sort of love between men."

Others protested a newly discovered text from Matthew 9:36 The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest, expressing concern that Jesus will strike down immigration laws, or worse, allow illegal immigrants to have drivers licenses.

The nomination also sent stocks spiraling lower after revelations of his writings from Matthew 19:20 The young man said to Him, 'All these things I have kept; what am I still lacking?' Jesus said to him, 'If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan expressed his concerns, "He almost sounds like a communist - how will he rule when it comes to property rights? This is positively un-American."

"I'm a compassionate conservative," said Senator Orrin Hatch, "but when a Supreme Court nominee says When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return, and repayment come to you. But when you give a reception, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, since they do not have the means to repay you, for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous. well, this man sounds like a Democrat to me, and an activist trouble maker at that. There's no place on the United States Supreme Court for the likes of him.