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2005 Archives Here's the way it was.
Microsoft Sued for Hot XBoxes December 5, 2005 - Overheating said to be work of Satan as hell freezes over.
Ex FEMA Head Starts Disaster Planning Firm November 26, 2005 - Michael Brown will share experience with both individuals and corporations.
Sony Executive to Ship with Each CD November 22, 2005 - Provides the ultimate in digital rights management.
Bush Didn't Mislead Nation on War November 14, 2005 - It was pure incompetence
French Teenagers Liberate Paris November 8, 2005 - Tyranny of democracy finally overturned
Bush Nominates Jesus to Supreme Court November 1, 2005 - Meets surprising resistance from the right.
Scooter Libby off to Destroy Israel October 28, 2005 - "Will go somewhere I'm appreciated," he announces.
Bush Takes Responsibility for Fiasco October 27, 2005 - No, it's the other Bush.
Bill Frist Goes Blind to Regain Trust October 24, 2005 - Blinds self in order to be blindly trusted.
Criminalization of Politics: Will it End of Democracy? October 22, 2005 - Wouldn't be a problem if so many politicians weren't criminals, says social scientists.
Bush Approval Rating Skyrockets to 98% in New Poll October 21, 2005 - New T.V. Show "Commander in Chief" is so bad it makes even the Bush Administration look good.
Marijuana May Cure Cancer October 20, 2005 - Lower cancer risk than tobacco, plus numerous benefits, assures it will never be legal.
Republicans Confess to Miers Conspiracy to Trick Democrats October 20, 2005 - Ready to overturn Roe in a heartbeat.
Iraqi Constitution to Incorporate Permanent Insurgency October 15, 2005 - An exciting new way of life for the world's newest Democracy
Animitronic Soldiers Perform for the President October 14, 2005 - High tech staged teleconference designed by Disney to support president.
Bush Turns to Energy Hog to Solve U.S. Energy Problems October 12, 2005 - Strategy will quickly eliminate U.S. dependency on foreign oil.
Supreme Court to Institute Lottery October 11, 2005 - New program expected to start when Miers joins the court.
House Adds Torture to Debate Rules October 8, 2005 - No limits, as Republicans and Democrats vow to complete their legislative agenda.
Bush Ready to Sacrifice for War on Terror October 6, 2005 - Freedom, integrity and competence are at the top of the list.
Tom Delay Sued by Maytag for Illegally Laundering Money October 4, 2005 - Chief Justice Roberts supports action, citing unconstitutional interferance with private enterprise by the government.
Sony Creates First TV Watchable by both Men and Women October 1, 2005 - Gender neutral TV reflects unique combination of technological prowess and stupid marketing.
Oprah to Stop Interviewing Dead Writers September 23, 2005 - Dead writers object to Oprah's change in plans.
God Attacks Carnival Cruise Lines September 21, 2005 - Ready to take on Port Galveston next.
North Korea Drops Nukes September 19, 2005 - "Ooops", says North Korea leader Kim Jong.
Nintendo Revolutionizes Gaming with "Total Reality" Controllers September 17, 2005 - From swords to Uzis, gamers will finally really be in the action.
God Abandons U.S. over Pledge Flap September 15, 2005 - "No more help from me," says an irate deity.
Republicans and Democrats Battle at Roberts' Confirmation September 13, 2005 - Knives and broken bottles are the order of the day
Rest of the World Continues to Function after Katrina September 10, 2005 - Despite near 24/7 coverage of the New Orleans Disaster, other things are happening.
Congress Passes $200/person Forced Donation for Hurricane Relief September 9, 2005 - Says it's time for everyone to contribute, or else...
President Bush Declares Mission Accomplished in New Orleans September 7, 2005 - Time to move on to more important things.
New Orleans Residents Sprout Gills September 3, 2005 - Shocking proof of evolution convinces the most extreme creationists (excuse us, intelligent design advocates).
DHS Head Michael Chertoff Given Medal of Freedom September 3, 2005 - Joins ranks of administration officials who have proved themselves in times of crisis.
Former Presidents Bush and Clinton Lead New Orleans Urban Renewal project September 1, 2005 - Administration priorities clarified with the arrival of competent executives
Katrina Ends Bush Vacation August 31, 2005 - It took a Category 5 Hurricane to do it.
CNN Opens School for Hurricane Reporters August 29, 2005 - Learn to stand outside during storms and scare the crap about of your viewers.
Hurricane Bin-Laden to Invade New Orleans August 29, 2005 - All major hurricanes to be renamed under new homeland defense policy
Google launches IM service with custom ads August 24, 2005 - New IM service knows your deepest darkest secrets.
Iraq becoming another Vietnam August 22, 2005 - Major geographic and climate shift underway
Palestinian Strategy to be Adopted by U.S. August 20, 2005 - High expectations for explosive new approach
Iraqi Bill of Rights Revealed August 17, 2005 - The first seven ammendments in the new Iraqi constitution have been released. The results were... surprising?
Bush Wants Intelligent Design Taught August 5, 2005 - And God also wants you to read this article.
Air France Jet Evacuated in Under 2 Minutes: Other Airlines to Adopt New Techniques August 3, 2005 - Lessons learned will bring added convenience to all airline passengers.
Apple Launches Mouse of Many Buttons August 2, 2005 - Promises more buttons and features than any mouse in history
Bush Appoints Michael Bolton to U.N. August 1, 2005 - Sudden recess appointment stuns world, annoys senate, and sells albums.
Peace breaks out in the Middle East after Saudi Arabia's King Fahd dies August 1, 2005 - Democracy breaks out, oil prices drop, and the Arab-Israeli conflict comes to a sudden end.
Al Gore to create dullest TV network ever July 31, 2005 - New network for the Internet generation will be like nothing you've seen before.
Sally Struthers Causes African Famine July 30, 2005 - Is anyone really surprised?
NASA to rebuild space shuttles without foam July 29, 2005 - "Perhaps foam wasn't the best choice of construction material," say NASA scientists
New ad campaign says "Bring a gun to school" July 28, 2005 - "Do no harm, unless it's with a legal firearm," says Senate Majority Leader and physician Bill Frist in his newly revised version of the Hippocratic oath.
300 Scouts Sickened by Bush at Jamboree July 28, 2005 - Though dropping like flies, they remain moral, trustworthy, and fully clothed.
North Korea wants normalized relations with U.S. - Nobody knows why. July 27, 2005 - With most of the world rushing to denormalize relations with the U.S. why is North Korea the exception?
Cheney vows to go medieval on terrorists July 26, 2005 - Bring on the rack! Bring on the thumbscrews! Down with terror!
Lance Armstrong announces future plans July 25, 2005 - Armstrong discovers that road bikes aren't the only kind of bike, and cycling will never be the same.
Confused Muslim Extremists Attack Luxury Egyptian Hotel July 23, 2005 - Islmaic conference leads to massive confusion as suicide bombers can't figure out who to blow up next.
Microsoft buys Wyoming, gets vistas July 22, 2005 - Part of a multitiered plan to lock in the vista trademark as Longhorn is ditched.
Rich White Man Nominated to Court July 20, 2005 - John G. Roberts, a rich white man, gets the nod in advance of a prolonged confirmation process.
Big 3 carmakers offer ultimate employee discount to all July 19, 2005 - Mr. Goodwrench comes home as GM offers a free employee with each car.
Millions of kids enter therapy after reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince July 17, 2005 - In-depth analysis in this twisted book review (don't worry, no spoilers).
Would the real Willy Wonka, please stand up? July 16, 2005 - Who is the true Candy Man?
Fetuses Identified as Leading Source of Toxic Waste July 15, 2005 - Chemicals identified in umbilical cords are destroying the planet.
Senator Clinton Redefines Adulthood to Age 39 July 15, 2005 - Grand Theft Auto is not for kids. Grand Theft Auto is bad for kids. Better redefine kids.
Discovery Runs Out of Gas July 14, 2005 - It wasn't a faulty fuel gauge after all.
Rehnquist Sniffles, Wipes Nose July 14, 2005 - Uncertainty and turmoil spreads with every hiccup and sneeze of the Chief Justice.
Serving in Iraq is Safer than Driving July 12, 2005 - According to Lt. Gen Blum of the National Guard - but is it true?
Major Troop Reductions Coming in 2006 July 12, 2005 - Are U.S. troops actually getting smaller? Are they coming? Are they going?
Google Earth Finds Anything July 11, 2005 - Revolutionary software shows world as it really is - fuzzy and confused.
Viagra Sales Zoom on FDA Warning July 10, 2005 - Is it hard to be blind, or blind to be hard?
London Transit Targeted by Terrorists July 8, 2005 - Londoners are used to transit strikes, but this really is going a bit too far.
Bush Blows off Blair at G8 July 8, 2005 - Not only is it not quid pro quo, it has the makings of an real tiff in their "special" relationship.
Scientists Solve Global Warming July 8, 2005 - Good news about dirty air.
Supreme Court Splits 10 Commandments June 23, 2005 - But which commandments are allowed?
D.C. Seizes White House June 20, 2005 - Supreme court decision opens the door to change in ownership.
Osama Bin Laden Location Revealed June 17, 2005 - CIA Director Goss reveals the shocking truth.
Israel To Build Undersea Barrier June 13, 2005 - And gets support from an unexpected source.
Batman Directors Burn Theaters June 11, 2005 - Find out how directors of previous Batman movies feel about the latest one.
Senate Defends Shiavo Actions June 11, 2005 - What do you know? She really was dead. But that doesn't mean she can't be killed.
Neverland Residents Comment on Jackson Acquittal June 9, 2005 - In an exclusive interview, TwistedStraight finds out what Peter, Hook and other Neverland residents really think about the trial.
British War Memo Predicts Future June 8, 2005 - The infamous British war memo not only predicted the Iraq war, it predicts the next one as well.
Disney to Replace Shark Fin Soup June 5, 2005 - No more jaws for Jaws.
San Francisco Bans Dogs June 2, 2005 - Dog attacks boy. City attacks Dogs. Cool.
Conspiracy to Defile Holy Books Uncovered May 31, 2005 - But who's to blame? Could it be you?
President Bush Condemns 25 million Americans to Death and Disease - And it's a good thing too. May 30, 2005 - The president takes a firm stand against stem cell research. Hurrah!
Cheney, Bush, Deeply Offended by Amnesty International May 28, 2005 - A devastated president and vice president struggle to recover from undeserved criticism.
U.S. Shocked by French Rejection of EU Constitution May 27, 2005 - Rallies and chaos as Americans wake up to the stunning news from France.
WMD Found in Iraq May 16, 2005 - Who would have expected a WMD to be found now?
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